Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
